Inevitable
by just jay
Summary: "What?" He looked at me. "Get down! Get down from there right now!" "No!" I said, "Don't you see? It's better off this way. Nothing for you to think about, nothing for me to think about."  Slash.


Thoughts: Yeah, so, wrote this trying to get over the writer's block I have with Days.

**_Inevitable (adjective)_- impossible to avoid or prevent from happening. **  


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I felt tears freeze to my face as I ran out of the house that cold, February, Minnesota morning. I never thought I would literally feel my heart break, but I was pretty sure it just had.

It sucked. I had years and years of experiences that I didn't necessarily want. My mother died when I was young, my father hated me since then, and I ended up being gay and falling in love with my best friend, going through severe depression and having major suicidal thoughts, I just…I had never thought it'd end up how it did.

There were things that were inevitable, like, my mom dying. Not everyone can beat cancer, and no matter how badly she wanted to, it was inevitable. Not everyone can get through depression in healthy ways. My father drinking, and smoking, and snorting crack was inevitable. Not everyone falls in love with who they want to fall in love with. It's something that just happens. It's inevitable.

I never thought Kendall would love me back. I struggled for years with this problem on my own. I never told anyone I was gay. I never told anyone I loved Kendall. And I most certainly never told anyone how I _really_ got the bruises. But Kendall just couldn't help but worry. That was who he was, and he was just looking out for me. I was his best friend, after all.

There was one night I just broke down. It was a bad night at home, and I honestly wasn't sure how I made it through that night alive. I'd taken a beating from the old man so badly that I couldn't even breathe as I trudged through the 5 foot snow without a coat to Kendall's house. I just started crying and that's when I told him that I thought I loved him. And he kissed me.

There I was, three months later, running out of Kendall's house, no coat, tears frozen to my face, the hairs in my nose freezing together. I didn't know where I was going. I wasn't going home, and I wasn't going to Kendall's, which meant I virtually had no where to go. My dad didn't want me, Kendall didn't want me, and I'd never felt so alone before in my life. But, then again, that feeling of being alone is just inevitable.

I kept going without looking back. Kendall and I got into a fight, and it was pretty bad. This was the first glitch I'd seen in our relationship, and glitches were inevitable, but I just didn't see this coming. I didn't see how it could just be halted so instantly, and I was literally crushed by this.

"I don't…I don't think I want to be with you," Kendall said.

I didn't know if I'd heard him correctly, so I silently waited for him to say something else, anything else, because this wasn't real. He wasn't really saying that, he was kidding, he had to have been kidding.

"I just…I need time to think about all this. It happened so quickly and…Logan, I love you, I swear I do, but I need a break to figure this all out."

I was confused. "If you really loved me, there would be nothing to figure out."

Just when I thought everything had fallen into place, it was falling apart, _I_ was falling apart. I should have saw this coming, I should have suspected this. It was, after all, inevitable. Nothing _ever_ went smoothly, nothing ever went according to plan, and just when you think you have everything figured out, and you have it all in the bag, it's ripped from you, because the other person has nothing figured out.

"Don't say that," said Kendall. "You know I love you. I just-"

"_You_ don't know if you love me."

He took a deep breath. "Logan-"

"Don't," said, backing up as he reached his arm out to me.

"_You_ don't," said Kendall, "don't block me out. Don't run away from this."

"_I'm_ not!" I shouted furiously. "I'M not running away from anything! _I've_ been here the whole time! You could leave a thousand times, and I'm still just fucking sitting around waiting for you! WHY do I keep waiting for you?"

"We just need time to figure things out!" said Kendall, getting angry with me for raising my voice. "It's complicated, and confusing, and you know damn well that there's nothing either of us can do right now to change it."

"I didn't think there was anything that needed to be changed! Weren't you happy?"

"Of course I was! -"

"Then I don't understand!"

"You don't _need _to understand! You just-"

"I DO!" I screamed. "If I don't understand how the hell can we fix this!"

"I just need TIME to think about it, Logan! Okay?"

"You haven't had TIME to think about it before? How do you just decide after three _months_ you need time! I let you put your dick in my ASS, Kendall! And it was NOT PLEASANT."

"YOU said it was okay, if you don't recall! And you liked it eventually! And you know how many times I cried over hurting you that night! YOU _know!_ YOU said it was OKAY. I'm not asking for the world here! It's not a crime to need a break!"

"You should have thought about that BEFORE! I thought…I don't…for a moment, I thought someone actually cared about me. You want a break? I'll give you a fucking break, Kendall. Don't fucking worry about a thing."

And that brought us to me, running out in the freezing weather. It wasn't that I didn't understand Kendall needed a break and time to think about this. I got that, I wasn't dumb, it didn't need to be spelled out for me. Have you ever had that feeling where you just _feel_ your heart crumbling in your chest? It makes you crazy. It makes you say things that you can't control, it makes you vulnerable, it makes you weak, and it breaks you and eats at you, till all you want to do is die.

That was the first time in a long time that I felt like I wanted to die. When I started dating Kendall, I stopped cutting my wrists and smoking pot. That's what had taken me away from all the bad things my father did. His addictions to alcohol and drugs, his swearing and yelling at random ladies he brought home from nightclubs and bars, and him hitting me. And when I started dating Kendall, nothing mattered. Everything disappeared because making Kendall happy was the only thing that made me happy, and that was _all_ that mattered.

And it was still all that mattered. If Kendall getting a break from me was what was going to make him happy, a break was what he would get.

I had every intention of killing myself. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to jump in the river or if I wanted to jump off the bridge above the highway. I contemplated both of these. Jumping into the river would mean staying alive till I drowned, or staying alive till I froze to death. Both of which were very unappealing. Jumping off the bridge could be very bad, because I could break my legs and suffer on the ground till (if) I got ran over, and if I didn't, then I'd be taken to the hospital where I would be okay.

But, I certainly couldn't drown, because that's how Kendall's sister died, and that would just be cruel. I headed in the direction of the highway, shivering the entire way there, thinking of how much better off I'd be. No longer would I have to deal with my father, his harsh words and his abuse. No longer would I have to deal with school bullies, their harsh words and their abuse. No longer would Kendall have to deal with me, with all my problems.

Kendall deserved someone better than me, anyways. Someone who wouldn't bring him down, someone who could give him the world. Kendall needed someone stable, someone who wasn't mentally frustrated. All of my insides hurt, and there was no way my heart was beating. I couldn't imagine anyone hurting Kendall, but me? Me hurting Kendall was inevitable.

I stood on the cement guardrail, looking down at the speeding traffic. Big trucks, little trucks, big cars, little cars, big buses, and little buses all zoomed by, doing between 50 and 90 miles an hour. I remembered one night when Kendall and I sat on this very guardrail, guessing the age, weight, race, gender and occupation of the drivers as they flew by.

My heart pounded hard in my chest, and I looked down to see my shirt move as it beat. It was hard to believe that it wasn't broken.

I put my right foot out and swallowed hard. This was it. This was going to end it all, I knew. There were too many cars for this not to work. The fall was too far for this not to work. The stars were sparkling, pointing, shouting, 'do it, do it, do it, do it' and I was about to. I swear to God I was about to.

"Logan!"

Instinctively, my foot shot back, and my head turned in the direction of that voice that I'd fallen in love with over a million times.

Tears were frozen to his cheeks, too. "I'm sorry!" Kendall shouted. "I'm honestly, truly…what are you doing up there?"

"You said you wanted a break," I pointed out.

"What?" he looked at me. "Get down! Get down from there right now!"

"No!" I said, "Don't you see? It's better off this way. Nothing for you to think about, nothing for me to think about." I again removed my right foot from the guardrail.

"Knock it off!" Kendall begged, more tears freezing to his face. "Please, Logan, please, get down. I was stupid, really, I was! I don't know what I was thinking! I don't need a break from you, I just need you! Logan, I NEED YOU. I need you like I need blood in my veins, like I need my heart to keep going. If you take that step, I swear to God as my witness, I'll follow you."

I slowly brought my foot back. I wanted to do it so badly. I wanted to end it all, all the years of pain and suffering and heartache. But things always get worse before they get better. It's inevitable. And I looked at Kendall, his chest heaving, his face pale, his eyes pleading. He'd never looked so vulnerable.

He swallowed hard and held his hand out. "Come on, please," he begged. I could hear his crying. "Just get down from there and come home with me."

I took his hand. Mucus clogged my lungs and my heart beat faster than it had all night. "Don't just tell me what I want to hear because you feel bad, Kendall. It'll only make things worse."

"Okay, you want the truth? I said I needed a break because I thought I needed some space. But then…I thought my heart broken when you walked out the door. You know that feeling when you realize the person you're going to marry one day just ran out the door? The one that makes your heart skip a beat and makes you feel like you're going to puke? I swear to God, Logan, nothing in my entire life has hurt me more than watching you leave just then. I don't know what it is, but there's something about you…I just need you in my life. I need you to love me and I need you to let me love you, because loving you is the only thing that has ever made me feel _real_, Logan, and I promise I'll never let you down again."

"How can you promise something like that? Letting me down is inevitable. You can't always make me happy."

"True…but I'll always try my hardest. You know I'll give you my one hundred percent, always."

"Back at the house-"

"I was stupid. I shouldn't have said those things. Please…_please_ disregard all of that. I just want you, forever, to always be mine. I don't know how I make you feel, but you make me feel unbelievable. Like there's no one else in this entire world that can make me feel the way you do, because that's true. No one else in the world can make me feel like you do. I can't explain it."

"You want to know how you make me feel? You make me feel…brave. Like nothing in this world can ever hurt me. You make me feel infinite, like I'll _never_ end when I'm with you. You make me feel like the sun, like the world revolves around me because you make me feel like I'm the only thing that matters to you, and you most definitely are the only thing that matters to me. I can't lose you again, Kendall. You make me want to live. I don't want to live in a world where you're not mine."

I felt bad for saying it as I said it, because I knew Kendall would _never_ break up with me knowing I would kill myself if he did. He would rather be stuck in a relationship he wasn't happy in than see me dead, and I hated myself for saying it. But I didn't regret it, I didn't backtrack, and I didn't apologize.

"That's okay," said Kendall, "because you don't have to, because I'm yours."

I picked at the tears frozen to Kendall's face and he laughed, showing that winning smile which made me grin.

He took in a deep breath. "Let's go home before you get sick," he said, putting his arm around me.

I glanced at the cars rushing underneath the bridge and thought, _just one more second, and I'd be dead. _This wasn't the first time Kendall saved me from myself. Kendall having my back was just inevitable.

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Note: Not nearly as good as I had hoped. If I didn't post it, though, it wouldn't help with the block. weird, I know. I haven't written a one-shot in a long time, so I hope you enjoyed. pleasepleaseeeeeeee leave a thought, even if it's just one word, good or bad. thanks for reading!


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